It’s been 2 months since the diagnosis. It’s kinda weird to think about that. Two months of topsy turvy crazy yet two months of some serious victories.
It’s also been two months of my body and brain fighting each other on a daily basis. If you haven’t kept up with us on our journey, Eric and I joined a weight loss program through our insurance. We actively participate in class each week and are assigned a weight loss coach throughout this journey. During these months, we’ve seen such a change in how we view food, weight loss and in my case, how I view myself.
This program has us set up on a certain calorie intake, and with the help of our awesome doctor, we’ve seen some awesome changes in ourselves weight wise. (I may have to put a comparison picture up later on…we shall see!)
All of this is absolutely fantastic…except it’s not. The meds and my brain are fighting with my body. My brain knows that, realistically, I should be intaking 1400-1500 calories per day (at least). My meds are telling me that that is impossible. My body is rejecting the idea of food.
For example, here’s how today went:
Normally I eat something a little more substantial at lunch, but we woke up late. So, this was more of a pm snack. And dinner…hubby had to force me to eat something. More on that later.
A small list of my daily medication/supplement regime. It’s not in its entirety.
Before I added dinner, I was sitting at about 700 calories for the day. The sad part is, I wasn’t hungry. At all. And forcing me to eat has had some…interesting side effects. Nausea, vomiting, migraines, complete emotional meltdowns as I force my body to eat when it doesn’t want to. I have sat at our kitchen table, staring at food, wishing I could finish the literal one cup of meat I was served. In the end, half the time I shove it away and Eric has me pack it up to eat a few hours later.
At this point, our goal is to get me to 1,000 calories a day. My typical day has a ton of veggies, nuts, fruits, and nut butters in there. Eggs are my source of protein. (& no, I have no issues in my cholesterol numbers!) Part of the problem is that I’m eating differently, and even with increased activity, I’m STILL not getting hunger signs.
What does this have to do with the journey, you may ask. And why am I sharing all of this.
1) Prayer. We believe in the mighty power of prayer. We believe it changes atmosphere and places around us, as well as people and circumstances. Please pray for us as we continue to fight the battle to health. Pray for Eric. Pray for me. Pray that my immune system would stop attacking my body.
2) Understanding. Some people may feel like I’m starving myself intentionally. I’ve had a comment or two about this. That is far from the case. I’m trying to battle with everything in me. There are days that I sit weeping over a meal because I take 2 bites and my brain says, you’re done…no more…yet I know it’s been over 8 hours since my last meal/snack.
3) As we walk through this time, and we learn new habits, I’m beginning to see victory. Last month, the goal was just to get me to eat. I’d crave salads, tomatoes, fruits and veggies, but those are so low on calories that I was fighting to get to 700 most days. (We had to throw in some sort of heavy hitting calorie snack for me to make sure I didn’t pass out from low blood sugar.) Now, the goal is 1,000 calories. And I’m starting to feel a little better. I actually look at food and my brain doesn’t instantly make me feel nauseous. I’m learning to fight what my brain is trying to say and begin to rewire it to His truths.
The biggest thing I’m learning though on this journey…is that God is bigger than the circumstances. And He’s helping both Eric and I to walk through this with our heads and hearts turned to Him. I can’t get through my day without knowing it’s His strength that gets me through it all.
I consider that the best victory of all.